A Lebanese Expat’s 5 Pet Peeves

I know, I know, us expats are asses who come back and act smug because we think we’re so much better than everyone who’s stayed in Lebanon. Except, to us, we’ve not so much succeeded as escaped out of necessity or circumstances. With our rosy glasses on, all we remember all day, every day, are the good things we’ve left behind.

Until, that is, we come back to Lebanon on our annual visit and cannot wait to leave again. Because, you know, everyone is just plain annoying to us now. Let me introduce you to my personal top 5 pet peeves when in Lebanon.

1. Speaking Lebanese (and formal Arabic) better than any of the teenagers growing up in Lebanon

Every generation says this of the next one. I, however, truly believe this to now be true. All I hear all day long around malls, shops and bars is French, English, or worse of all, Arabic spoken with a twinge related to the former languages. How hard is it to say “bard” and not “baghd”? Get a grip people! You sound neither cool nor more educated. You just sound like twats.

2. Friends ordering a LBP 5,000+ Nescafé as if it were a thing

I’ll say this only once, mainly because saying it is not worth the paper it’s printed on (or, in this case, the screen space it’s taking up). Ordering Nescafé in a café is not a thing! Just because it has the word café in it, does not make it legitimate. Just because they are charging you the price of an actual Turkish coffee or any other variety of actual coffees for it, does not make it legitimate. It just makes you a fool! Stop it. Now.

3. People who think queuing (standing in line) is for suckers

Oh! Look at these people queuing at the bank. You know what this calls for? Jumping the queue. After all, my half-cousin knows the sister-in-law of the uncle of the father of that teller I can’t remember the name of. I am important. Also, I am smart. No. No. No. All you are is rude, inconsiderate and, if I am in the queue, not very smart after all. Because you jumping that queue will definitely not be worth the hassle I am going to give you for attempting it. I promise you.

4. People who think basic manners are unnecessary

Look a waiter/waitress, let me treat them like I am better than them. I’ll go on to drive like the highway is mine. I’ll then get home and yell at the domestic worker I employ because she forgot the salt when setting up the table. What is this world coming to if you can’t expect her to remember the salt on top of the zillion things she has to do to keep your home spick and span? Let’s all repeat this out loud. Manners are definitely not for suckers. They are for decent human beings. Do you want to be a decent human being? No? Well neither will I then, next time I see you. Expect a good yelling.

5. People who think commenting on your weight is all in a day’s work

Another variant of bad manners really. I don’t know whether I get more upset when people tell me I’ve put on weight, when they tell me I lost some (when I clearly have not), or when they tell me I should eat something because I am too thin. Any which way, can you please not comment on my weight? It’s mine. Also, don’t comment on my husband’s weight, saying I must “cook well” or “starve him”, depending on the scenario. How is it that my weight becomes your concern and his weight suddenly becomes mine? Definitely stop commenting on my weight, especially when you’re in between munching on the chocolate and the Christmas cookies you’ve just been offered on your visit to ours. I will take them away.

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