If Superheroes Came to Beirut

Have you ever sighed in frustration and thought to yourself: “You know what this country could really use right about now? Superheroes! They’ll sort it all out!”? Hey, I’d like to see a caped crusader or masked vigilante clean up this place as much as the next person, but I just don’t think it would really work out as well as we’d hope.

1. Superman

If the Man of Steel were to stop by Beirut, he’d probably be bombarded with bullets every time a political speech takes place, or someone’s daughter gets married, or some kid graduates, or someone scores a goal. They wouldn’t actually hurt him of course, but even Superman can only take so many bullets to the crotch before getting pissed off.

2. Batman

Batman would not have much luck either. Prowling around the rooftops late at night, he’d probably be gunned down by some rogue militia men for invading their territory, if not by the military themselves. The Batmobile? Don’t even think about seeing that whizzing through the streets on the way to a crime scene, what with all the traffic and potholes and people driving in reverse and whatnot. As for the Batwing, it would probably be mistaken for some weird Israeli aircraft.

3. Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman would fare better than the Dark Knight, since her Invisible Plane is, well, invisible, but I think she may face some different issues since she does make a whole lot of other things visible. Imagine the scene: Wonder Woman patrols the streets on foot, passing by some fine young gentlemen smoking arguilehs and spitting up sunflower seeds on the sidewalk. One whistle, two whistles, an “Aywaaa”, followed by a “Shou ya ashta?” A fight breaks out after one of the lads grabs her thigh, and before you know it, the whole neighborhood turns against this gold rope carrying slut. Hey, she asked for it… right?

4. Aquaman

If you thought the tremendously useless powers of talking to fish and breathing underwater made Aquaman lame and inadequate enough as a defender of humanity, wait till you see him take on Beirut. I think even Aquaman would find himself gasping for air every couple of minutes in our pristine waters. And although talking to fish is as pitiful as superpowers go in any case, it’s pretty laughable when the only ones you have on your team are these things. Excuse me, Aquaman, though your swordfish friends do look truly fearsome, I don’t see any robberies or murders going on in the middle of the Mediterranean. We’ll give you a call if that happens though.

5. Spider-Man

Spider-Man’s pretty cool, but I doubt he’d appreciate Beirut as a city to fight crime in. For starters, we don’t have a whole lot of skyscrapers, so he’d just swing from one building, to another, and then just awkwardly crawl around on walls yelling “I’m coming! I’m coming!” And if he does manage to maintain some momentum, no amount of Spidey senses could help him evade our own manmade webs of electrical wires that stretch from building to building.

6. Iron Man

Tony Stark may have an impressive arsenal of weapons and gadgets at his disposal, but if he were to settle down here, he’d run into some problems. Powering his underground headquarters would use up a whole lot of electricity, and we haven’t had enough to keep our own homes powered 24/7 for years now, so it’s safe to assume that he’d either leave in a huff, or only operate for three hour intervals.

7. The Hulk

As we all know, when angered, Bruce Banner transforms into the unstoppable force of destruction that is the Hulk, which comes in mighty handy when there’s a crisis of some kind, but can be pretty devastating when Banner loses his cool and goes on a blind rampage. Has Lebanon ever, ever been recommended as an ideal location for serenity? The guy would obliterate half the city in a single day, and that’s just because he wasn’t able to take his morning shower for a week.

8. Daredevil

Man, this guy’s screwed. In a country where metalheads are taken in for questioning for having long hair, piercings, and dressing in black, under suspicion of being Satanists, a dude who dresses up in a big bright red devil outfit really hasn’t got much chance.